


stupid dead piece of tree

by lovestained



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Erwin Smith - Freeform, Eventual Levi/Eren Yeager, Gay Ymir (Shingeki no Kyojin), German Eren Yeager, Hange Zoë & Levi Are Best Friends, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Swears, M/M, Male Hange Zoë, Mikasa Ackerman & Levi Are Related, Mikasa Ackerman & Levi Are Siblings, Mike Zacharias - Freeform, Minor Character Connie Springer, Minor Hange Zoë/Levi, Minor Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Minor Mikasa Ackerman/Annie Leonhart, Minor Sasha Blouse/Connie Springer, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:00:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 44
Words: 14,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25471267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestained/pseuds/lovestained
Summary: life fucking sucks. they better be happy that i've acquired an eren jaeger and a notebook, or i'd personally end them all.✐✐✐© 2020 ➸ phillipa journal aot fanfiction, following levi's view.✐✐✐started ; may eighteenth, 2020finished ; july eighteenth, 2020
Relationships: Levi & Eren Yeager, Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 16
Kudos: 25





	1. august ninth

_how am i supposed to start this?_

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_my mom gave me this the day before school. why the fuck she did? she was going on this rant about me going to a new school and how "i needed to have something trustworthy by my side at all times"._

_i don't even understand journals, tbh. what the fuck are they used for? everything you want to keep secret could be kept secret so much easier than putting them in a bright pink fucking journal that anyone could steal. keep them in your motherfucking head._

_i apologize for my bad language, i've just not been in a good mood recently. dad's gone again doing whatever the fuck he wants. why hasn't my mom divorced him yet? they're both so unhappy._

_my dad works as something really important, i totally forgot. but it's something so important that he gets to take little trips across the globe and fuck as many foreign women as he pleases. he isn't as bad as some dads, coming back home drunk and such, but he drinks a lot. but at home, of course. he worries that people will rob him if he drinks at the bar._

_i don't really like my dad. he's so... ew. i don't understand how he got such a high position when he almost flunked out of high school. went to one of the most inadequate colleges too. that's where he met my mom, as they were both equally struggling. my dad did his four years, my mom did hers and almost got kicked out and had to appeal to come back, they got married, etc etc._

_then they separated right after i was born for about three years. my mom realized that she didn't like my dad, and had to figure things out. meanwhile, my dad fucked an asian lady, giving me my half-sibling, mikasa. mikasa's a queen, i love her, but she wasn't supposed to happen, you know? it was my dad's fucking fault._

_they got back together after that, though i have to tell you, they needed couple's therapy. more than ever. that's probably why they're so broken now. i saw mikasa every month on a weekend, but that was when my dad made an effort to pay child support. but now, he doesn't, so now he not only has a court case on his hands, but i never see mikasa anymore._

_my mom isn't too good either. she yells at me sometimes, calls me indecent and unprofessional, says i look like a girl, etc. she's against me. a few months ago they went through my phone (without my consent) and found out i liked boys? they think i'm gay, but i'm sure i'm not. i just like boys, but what if i like other things, too? i don't know. but, i was on punishment for some months, only recently coming off. she is more sensitive towards me dressing less manlike now, and constantly brings in my dad for anything about my clothes._

_ah, shit, i've been talking for too long. school's tomorrow. i need to go to sleep._

_l.a._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ❝𝙞𝙣𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚, 𝙞𝙩'𝙨 𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙚, 𝙗𝙖𝙗𝙮.❞
> 
> hi! it's your favorite writer, phillip.
> 
> this follows the 2020 calendar and is largely based off of my own experiences! the chapters are very short and have comprisable grammar. i do hope you enjoy, though.
> 
> i've crossposted it unto [wattpad](https://my.w.tt/XZkC4H3gG8) too, if you have a reading preference.
> 
> ❝𝙤𝙪𝙩𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚, 𝙞'𝙢 𝙘𝙪𝙘𝙪𝙢𝙗𝙚𝙧 𝙘𝙤𝙤𝙡.❞


	2. august eleventh

_i can't believe im doing this again._

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_   
  
  


_wow, uh, i never thought i'd be coming back to this stupid thing. it was a one-time thing, you know? but im fucking back._

_the american school was nothing like how it is in the movies. mom had forced me to watch a bunch of american movies when we were in france so we could adapt to the environment._

_nobody welcomed me here, nobody told me to stand up and introduce myself. the only introducing that happened was the teachers._

_it has been the second day of school, i was expecting to at least make a friend by now. high school musical has taught me literally nothing._

_though, the french teacher, miss lefebvre, called one of the students a_ _malodorante moufette._ _he was pretty smelly, imo. i could tell we were gonna be great friends._

_i didn't meet anyone today, or yesterday, in fact. i sat down at a table where a lot of people were sitting and didn't get anyone's names. i don't remember anyone there. i didn't meet anyone on my first day._

_when i came home, my mom told me that mikasa was going to the same school, though she was a freshman. i was happy to hear that i would be able to see mikasa more, even when my stupid dad doesn't pay child support._

_she seemed angry though, and it was probably my dad. she knew that my dad was anything except faithful, but we needed the money, and a divorce isn't the best thing to do. however, i think the fuck not. they didn't sign a prenup, and my dad makes way more money than my mom, so we could totally make something out of that!_

_when i walked home today, i bought checkered shorts. i knew my mom wouldn't approve of it and would rather want me to buy long black pants or something else boring, but i loved the feeling. i loved the feeling of danger, of doing something wrong when you know you're right. my mom doesn't know about them. i think tomorrow i'm gonna buy a shirt to go with it. i don't have much money though. the shorts really costed me. i'll probably tell my mom that we need money for lunch._

_kids in the movies need money for lunch, right? my mom would be happy that school is normal for me. it is kind of normal, tbh. normal in a boring way. i was expecting the school to have those weird dances, and the basketball dances too. and singing. there was no singing. none at all._   
  
  
  
  
  


_l.a._


	3. august fourteenth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_i'm back. once again. and im on a killing spree._

_today was the first day that i spoke for a long duration of time in my homeroom. i was solving a problem on the board, and seeing as i had just come back from FRANCE, my "accent" was a little heavy._

_everyone had laughed at me. every fucking one of those little shits. the kids complained on and on about how they couldn't understand what i was saying, so much that i felt like i was going to throw the marker in my hand at someone. the teacher didn't stop them and merely asked me to speak up._

_i'm never talking out loud ever again._

_well, now that i think about it, there was a kid in the middle section row that didn't laugh. but i'm sure he wasn't capable of human expression, so it didn't really shock me. the fact that only the emotionless kid didn't laugh still pissed me off. i want to kill everyone in that fucking room who grinned._

_i hate all of them. im not gonna talk to any of them. i hope they all flunk out of high school and end up at my disposal._

_i told my mom about it when i got home. she wasn't of much help, and said, "les enfants américains sont stupides et gros. ils ne progresseront pas plus loin que toi, ok, mon ange?"_

_it didn't help. i knew they were stupid and fat, i saw it with my own two eyes! but could they please be stupid and fat somewhere else? i hated them._

_l.a._


	4. august seventeenth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_i made friends today._

_i hung around with mikasa for the most part, acting as her overprotective older brother. i didn't want her to get hurt, as we were very close as half-siblings, and i could barely see her when we lived in france._

_i also met with her mom, miss haruka. she had chosen mikasa to take our name so mikasa could be a part of my dad's glory and might be able to have a better life. too bad that never happened._

_miss haruka is a nice woman, much better than what i expected him to fuck. she didn't deserve what happened to her._

_anyway, mikasa introduced me to some of her friends, some of them older, some of them same age, and one of them were actually younger than her. their names didn't really stick on, though. i only remember some._

_there was annie, a blonde girl with a ponytail that obviously liked mikasa. she had a badass vibe about her, and she met my requirements to date mikasa, imo._

_then there were her two friends, one with blonde hair like her and a big-ass tree next to him. they seemed like bodyguards._

_there was also annie's friend, ymir, who was especially close with krista, or christa, or omg, was it historia?? i need to pay more fucking attention._

_then there was mikasa's friend, eren, the emotionless kid, who turned out to be extremely emotional. more in touch with his feelings than that fucking dinosaur, barney._

_eren constantly fought with this dude he called "horseface," who had the hair color of a stallion. he hung out with this all-smiles dude with freckles and a weirdass scar._

_the kid with freckles always talked to a girl who really liked the dino chicken tenders, who was dating a bald-shaven kid who acted like a clown._

_then there was armin, a bookworm who talked to nobody except eren and mikasa._

_eren happened to be foreign as well, having as thick of a german accent as i have with my french. he found it rather offensive when everyone laughed at me, and would rather eat the school food for a month than to join in on the laughter._

_i tended to grow closer to eren more than the others because we could relate on something. an immigrant that came from overseas that everybody made fun of. we could bond over something._

_l.a._


	5. august twenty-first

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_it's been a while since i've talked to you. i didn't want to prove my mom right, that this journal thing works. i guess i was scared that people would find out my secrets, you know? it's a cruel world out there. i'm still scared, tbh. but now i'm just chill about it?? like i've accepted the fact that this is not a safe way to cope._

_why do i sound like a drug addict?_

_if there's anything i don't want to do, it's proving my mom right. she gets this smugass grin on her face that never leaves. if she's right, she's never gonna let me forget it._

_anyway, a lot has happened since then. eren and i talk a lot. i stopped at least two boys from asking out mikasa._

_honestly? they weren't mikasa's type. and, annie's way better, and trying way harder. i'm saving that spot for her, even if mikasa won't._

_miss lefebvre, the french teacher, stood up for me today. i was translating something to english, when someone had complained about me automatically passing the class because i'm native to france, when she had said something like, "well, you bitches couldn't pass anyway. dont be mad because someones doing better than you," in like french?? and then she said, "levi still has learning to do in french. we all do. he will learn with us, yes?"_

_miss lefebvre's such a queen. i aspire to be like her. imagine cussing out your students in french and then look at them like ":))" in english?? that's fucking mastery right there._

_and basically, at lunch, ymir had fucking like kissed krista, in front of everybody! she just fucking... smooch. and everyone's like "whoa buster" and kristas like "woah" and then like yeah?? ymir has confidence 100 like i dont know what the fuck shes on but i want it._

_krista said she didn't mind the kiss, but she needed some time to figure her feelings out. i understand her. like imagine if timothee chalamet walked up to you and straight fucking smooched you?? like i would be like "im not oliver sorry to break it to you bro"_

_i didn't fucking see that coming. i was like "wow, ok."_

_anyway, eren had told me about this one time when he had just came to america and he was asking around for sausage vending machines. everyone was so confused, because there are no sausage vending machines?_

_i had a time of my own where i saw no angelina chocolate. why does america have no fucking angelina chocolate?_

_but, anyway, eren's been a real help. being my first friend here (that excludes my relatives) really had an impact on me, and the fact we're so alike makes it even better. he saved me from taking out the time to rant to my mom about how school is horrible and how i hate everyone. it didn't save this journal, ofc. there's fucking ink everywhere._

_l.a._


	6. august twenty-fourth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_you cannot believe what happened today._

_my dad called my mom, saying he'd be a little late coming back. he made up some shitty excuse. i wouldn't be surprised if he was getting head as he called my mom. my mom got sad, ran down to the basement so i wouldn't hear all of their relationship problems, followed by a ton of screaming, crying, and silence._

_why was my family so fucking broken? i hate this shit. it was all my dad's fault._ _if my dad didn't fuck up, maybe i wouldn't have been born, or probably born to someone else, or i wouldn't have such a fucked up family. this is all his fault. he should rot in hell beside all of his gambling friends. i hate him. i hate him so fucking much. my mom didn't deserve this bullshit. she wouldn't be like this if it wasn't for him._

_life fucking sucks. they better be happy that i've acquired an eren jaeger and a notebook, or i'd personally end them all._

_when her phone call was over, she ran upstairs to her room and shut it, locking it too. sometimes, if she forgot to lock it, i would walk in there and comfort her until she went to sleep. it was what we had to do sometimes because it was always my dad's fucking fault that she was crying. why did my family have to be the one with the burden? why not the smug bitches down the street?_

_but, today at school was a good day. it always seemed to be a good day. i never knew that i would feel so much better and look forward to going to school than being at home. aren't kids supposed to hate school? i hate being here. i want to live alone. maybe when i'm 18 i can cut off contact with them, dye my fucking hair, get a nose piercing, and live in florida or some shit. florida's where the amusement parks are._

_l.a._


	7. august twenty-eighth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_today was a good day. eren laughed at one of my jokes today and muttered something in german. he probably called me an idiot or something. my dad has steered clear of my mom, so that's a good thing._

_at school, the english teacher, mr. smith, gave me a passing grade on my essay. got the best grade in the entire class. that shows all you american motherfuckers that even a foreign bitch can be better than you in your own language. i've been rolling around in victories since the moment i got here. are they this stupid here?_

_im thinking about asking eren and some of mikasa's friends to hang out. at my house, of course. my mom would be delighted that i'm making friends, and dad wouldn't even be home for it. what should we do when we get there?_

_i'll think about it later. probably when the month is over, meaning everything's due, and we barely have any work to do._

_french has been a breeze, though my mom signed me up for extra language classes too. i told her i wanted german, so i could understand at least a little bit of what eren says under his breath whenever we speak. german homework has been so hard, i've thought about getting eren to mentor me._

_what the fuck does die wurst mean? isn't a wurst a type of sausage?_

_im not doing this bullshit. hopefully eren can help me at lunch on monday. this is harder than it was when i was learning english._

_l.a._


	8. august thirty-first

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_today was a good day. eren laughed at one of my jokes today and muttered something in german. he probably called me an idiot or something. my dad has steered clear of my mom, so that's a good thing._

_at school, the english teacher, mr. smith, gave me a passing grade on my essay. got the best grade in the entire class. that shows all you american motherfuckers that even a foreign bitch can be better than you in your own language. i've been rolling around in victories since the moment i got here. are they this stupid here?_

_im thinking about asking eren and some of mikasa's friends to hang out. at my house, of course. my mom would be delighted that i'm making friends, and dad wouldn't even be home for it. what should we do when we get there?_

_i'll think about it later. probably when the month is over, meaning everything's due, and we barely have any work to do._

_french has been a breeze, though my mom signed me up for extra language classes too. i told her i wanted german, so i could understand at least a little bit of what eren says under his breath whenever we speak. german homework has been so hard, i've thought about getting eren to mentor me._

_what the fuck does die wurst mean? isn't a wurst a type of sausage?_

_im not doing this bullshit. hopefully eren can help me at lunch on monday. this is harder than it was when i was learning english._

_l.a._


	9. september fourth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_hi. so remember when i was like, 'yo, this german homework kinda suck ngl. i'm prolly gonna ask eren lol xd'? i did. he said he'd mentor me! let's go bitches!_

_in exchange for me mentoring him in french._

_german's so harsh for my tongue. how does eren do it and still sound so fucking eloquent? like this bitch will cross his legs in the chair and say shit like, "i hope your lawn mower runs you over like its fucking scream queens," IN german and still sound like the fucking queen of england._

_so, anyway, i'm pretty sure the math teacher is a hippie._

_on the last friday of the month, teachers and students get to wear absolutely anything to school. guess what he decided to wear? he wore sunglasses, a little band over his long hair, a fucking tie dye shirt, and made us listen to the fucking beatles the entire time. who did he think he was, misty day?_

_and his name is mr. sun. if that doesn't scream hippie i don't know what does. now, i have nothing against hippies, but homeboy came in the room holding up the peace sign blasting the beatles. im gonna be fucking mad, because any other day he would be screaming about us losing our attention to our work. fucking hypocrisy._

_i told mikasa about the idea for everyone to come over, and she said yeah. we're gonna have a sleepover, and play truth or dare, watch a scary movie, eat pizza, etc. i got mikasa's phone number, and she added me to a group chat, which is how i got eren's number, and a whole lot of others._

_now i didn't even need to hear mom's rant, because i could say that i only got the number from mikasa's group chat, and i didn't give my number out to people._

_l.a._


	10. september seventh

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_i can't wait for the sleepover. mikasa said that we'll do it on friday, though she was a little mad at me because i told her that this man she was into, adrian, his name was, couldn't be at the sleepover with us. annie practically hugged me when i did it. she better make a move quickly, because i'm not gonna keep swatting men away for her slow ass._

_eren said he'd be there, so that's cool. everyone said they'd be there._

_i asked my mom about the sleepover, and she said it was fine as long as we stayed in my room. usually, most parents would want them in the living room so they could see them, but my mom?? yeah, no. she said if anyone came out of my room, they either had to go to the bathroom or out the house. i was the only one to be roaming._

_i think it's because my mom's scared that something will get stolen. but they're above that, or so i hope. my dad buys a bunch of showy items whenever's he's home, if he's home, so he can bring over some random person and show off how much money he has. sure doesn't care about his family though._

_i could care less about my dad right now. if he wasn't here, that was even better. he wouldn't come into my room at random points in time and make sure i wasn't making out with a boy or something._

_my mom would probably be gone by the time i got back home to prepare for the shit, and she barely comes home before midnight. i think we'd have a fun night._

_after school, i also bought a checkered shirt. i had been too punk to do it before, but i fucking did it. i'm gonna wear it to a field trip or something. have it in my backpack._

_after i buy shoes to go with the outfit, of course. my running shoes could barely do shit, and vans are aesthetic, right? i hope so._

_l.a._


	11. september eleventh

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_everyone's sleep now, but i'm up. the sleepover was lots of fun, i haven't laughed that much since france. that's not a long time, but you get my point, right?_

_they had all shown up in their pajamas, which i didn't expect, but it seemed to make sense. then we had played would you rather, got a few laughs from that, and i learned that eren was bi and used to date this girl named fleur, but then she dumped him because he was too passionate for her?_

_what a lazy excuse. isn't the entire notion of a relationship is being passionate? how did you want eren to treat you, like fucking trash? fleur sounds like a bitch, i'm happy they aren't together anymore._

_mikasa tried to play dirty truth or dare, spin the bottle, seven minutes in heaven, but i forbade her. it was just a way to get people to kiss, and why do that? if they wanted to kiss, they would do it on their own time. so we stuck to the basics and played like children._

_we watched, as requested, les diaboliques, one of the best horror movies i was able to watch in my entire life. eren had laughed at some parts, which confused me. it was also kind've boring, because there were basically no scared people in our group other than marco and jean. armin? kind've, but he said that he read books scarier than les diaboliques. i call bullshit._

_after, we got to bed. i got some covers for some of the people, but mikasa and eren volunteered to sleep in the bed with me. hopefully my mom can make enough pancakes for all of us? everyone brought their uniforms, i hope. everyone brought little bags, hopefully they had their uniforms in the_


	12. september fourteenth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_eren found out about this stupid journal yesterday. he took it really nicely, imo. or maybe it was because i had expected him to stand up on my bed, pumping his chest, and scream, "yo, having a diary's kinda fucking gay dude!" and just evolve into a fucking pidgeotto or something. that'd be fucking scary. worse than les diaboliques._

_he had basically asked me what i used it for, what i put in there, etc. he hadn't asked to see shit, so that's good. i would probably cross out a bunch of shit and then hand it to him?_

_it is also the month anniversary of knowing eren, and it kind of feels like i've known him since forever? like damn. i should probably give him my number soon?_

_when we had woke up, i expected everyone to look like bed bugs and moths had raided the entire place, like how it is in the movies, but it wasn't. major disappointment, ngl. france was so much better than this._

_america's so much more boring?? did i already say that_

_anyway, i lowkey should finish the last entry, but i lowkey dont want to?? like it seems so mysterious so if they ever dig me up and connect me to this journal they could be like "omg what if they met their untimely death while writing that's so spooky let's make a movie out of this" i get me some skeleton clout?? im in the grave smirking_

_mom had asked me how the sleepover went, and i said that it went fairly well. nothing extraordinary happened, except jean got his dick stuck in an empty alcohol bottle that we had used for truth or dare (kid version, wtf do you take me for)?? he seemed like the type of guy to do that on a daily basis so i hadn't thought much of it lmao._

_i had learned a lot about everyone, though? marco had this tragic-ass incident where he was sliced in the middle, had to get stitches, and it evolved into a scar? like ouch. i felt the pain from that. i mean on the level of tragic how tragic did it have to get that you were sliced in the middle hot-dog style?? like wtf happened sis?? i genuinely can't find a quick answer to that_

_my mom had made bacon and eggs but like im still kinda mad from that?? i like meat, but not that kind?? if you know what im tryna say. i lowkey liked the move from france to america because there's so many more fucking options here?? like in france if you wanted something without meat they would look at you like "um bitch what the fuck did you just say"_

_l.a._


	13. september eighteenth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_the funniest thing happened omg. so basically mikasa had this running bet with annie that she would make armin accidentally eat a cricket, by hiding it in his chicken salad. you see, armin had a knack for not paying attention to what he was putting in his mouth?? like he could be reading a book and put his fork through a dick._

_why was a dick the first thing i thought of?? damn the gayness has spread to my brain_

_so, basically, hiding the dead cricket in the salad while armin is elsewhere, homeboy sits back down, sticks his fork in it, and fucking chomps. he doesn't question it. everybody is just fucking laughing, he looks up, and hes like, "yo, why yall so giggly?"_

_and mikasa's like, "bro you just ate a fucking cricket" and he starts fucking panicking!! pieces of cricket leg go everywhere like "woom"_

_eren's fucking giggling up a shitstorm and his giggle is making me giggle? like you know how when your homie starts laughing in the room you're just like ":))"_

_everyone looking at our table, where armins just like "fuck all of you. i hate you all. suck my dick" and mikasas just like "that's what the cricket said lmao" and erens like "haha hehe" and im like "hehe haha" until the period ended_

_we still laughing until we get to french and then miss lefebvre is like "yo why are you guys laughing" and im like "armin vient de manger un grillon" and miss lefebvre starts laughing and armins just mad as hell lmao_

_then we're all giggling throughout the entire lesson and whenever we're about to stop eren keeps making an eating motion with his hand and it just was HHH_

_bro im writing this and im like "hehe lmao chomp"_

_then we were walking to our next class and mr. sun, the english teacher, the hippie, was like "omg!! you're disturbing other classes"_

_sis this is locker period?? i wish i would've hit him in his jaw or something. it's junior year, so i gotta do at least something great to mark my legacy here._

_i'm probably gonna slap mr. sun._

_l.a._


	14. september twenty-first

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_i texted eren today. i had never texted eren, i mostly talked to him through the group chat. but, the first message went along something like "hi lmao xd" and just went from there? it relieved me, tbh. i thought i was thinking too much of our friendship, and that having a friend for this long was just normal business, but he had counted our days as well!_

_reminding me, today's our six week anniversary! lowkey didn't know that he would stick by this long. they usually figure out that i'm a horrible presence to be around by second week? homeboy is worrying me._

_miss lefebvre wasn't here today. so instead we had this half-assed monolingual substitute that put on a slideshow of french words for things in the bathroom. i had debated on cussing him out in french, but i decided against._

_my dad called today. said he would be back home next month. not really looking forward to him back, but what's i gotta do? he can't be gone forever. well, he could, but i don't feel like killing him right now. you feel me? mom was pissed off at the news, as she expected him to come home sooner. i dont know why?? its like he wants to stay away from us. i wouldn't be surprised if that was the case._

_also, did i mention that eren was kind of sad today? i had to comfort him until lunch. i've never given that many hugs since grandma._

_grandma's not dead, she's too spirited for that. she lived in france, though, so when we made the move i couldn't speak to her anymore. we do call her all the time, but it's not the same. i miss her pancakes. and her rice. and her grits. and her salads._

_they were so fucking good._

_she was also the only one that respected me being vegetarian in the entirety of france?? not even my own parents liked it. they'd make burgers whenever they fucking could._

_l.a._


	15. september twenty-fifth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_eren and i have been spending more time with each other lately. im thinking about asking him to have a sleepover with me? like just us. i'm sure my mom would allow it. it's just two people, and they're the best of buddies. she should be happy i'm making friends, tbh._

_have i ever mentioned eren's mentoring? it's so thorough?? like homeboy didn't miss anything??_

_i'm gonna ace german this year, fuckers. my reign of triumph continues!_

_eren knows how to carry a medium-lengthed regular conversation now. i'm, dare i say it, very proud of how fast he learned? it took me longer to learn, and i'm fucking native to it.  
_

_i was thinking more about the sleepover plan, and i ended up looking up ideas for sleepovers? a lot of them were based around girl sleepovers, but who gave a fuck? i'll take anything, at this point._ _for teens, it always had to be sexy? like ew. can't i hold on to my innocence for a while longer, please? like damn. boy talk?_

_nah, boy talk's kinda chill. we can have a boy talk._

_maybe will play truth or dare. i trust eren not to be filthy-minded like his peers, so maybe we can play truth or dare. and we have to have pillow fights. that's a must!!_ _movie marathon, for sure. we're watching all the french movies i can gather up. maybe, if we hang out again, we can watch german movies._

_then we go to bed. that sounds nice. we had to stay up longer for the sleepover with mikasa's friends, because they were so fucking hype and they wanted to stay up, but that's not my sleeping schedule? maybe eren's okay with going to bed whenever i'm sleepy, instead of whenever we pass out. eren's cool. he would be fine._

_l.a._


	16. september twenty-eighth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_i may be a little petty. i've decided not to have the sleepover for another two weeks, so that'll be next month. meaning, dad will be back._

_i knew exactly this, but, let me tell you why!_

_dad called... once again. it was for nothing important. he really loved making us feel so fucking horrible for no reason, huh? so, mom answers the phone, and he's in blind anger mode. he's only called us when he's like this twice, so mom's horrified._

_he yells some punkass shit about my mom, mom's still on the phone, yells some punkass shit about me, i hang up for her._

_it wasn't anything serious that i'd cry over. he was too drunken with anger for that. but i was still mad, like wtf?? i didn't even do anything this time yet you cannot stop talking shit_

_so i decided to rub my gayness in his fucking face by inviting a boy over while he's here?? i'm not dating eren, but they'll think i am. i don't even need to touch him before they start drawing conclusions._

_he won't be able to say shit to me either, because by then i would know eren for how much time? about two months. that's enough to ask them for a sleepover, even more because i'm a fucking junior._

_anyway, mr. bell didn't tell me off today!! he's such a fucking asshole, but he's the asshole who teaches me german, so at least he's good at something._

_it was kind've all thanks to eren's teachings. i never knew how the fuck to say "i hate school, but home's just boring" in german until eren told me. he also taught me a lot of cuss words, but of course i wouldn't say that in front of mr. bell. he was like a fucking military officer._

_though, in front of miss lefebvre, i think i'd cuss up a shitstorm. she's cool like that._

_l.a._


	17. october second

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_i asked eren about the sleepover today. though it wasn't gonna be until next week, i wanted him to know, so he could mentally prepare himself for it. this was gonna be the best sleepover that was ever fucking created. he will be coughing out stars by the time im finished._

_also, a lil concerned about me? i can't cry anymore. like i don't cry. i don't know what happened. if i watched so many sad movies that i just don't care anymore, i don't know,, but i want my ability to shed tears back!! please give me my tear ducts back i just want to cry??_

_like last night?? i laid in my bed, ready for my cry session. i thought long and hard about my dad being such an asshole, and yet i didn't cry. and i know there's a lot of tears back there so stop fucking hiding._

_but anyway, eren was really happy today. it made me feel good about myself. its like if eren's sad, the world is crumbling apart, and we're all fighting for survival. if eren's happy, the grass is growing, the birds are chirping, and the bees are not stinging. eren fucking controls the weather and i stand by that_

_i told my mom about the sleepover?? she said it was fine, especially if i had known him since the beginning of the school year. dad's gonna be pissed, but who tf cares? i'm a junior and they treat me like a fucking twelve-year-old. it's what they get, imo._

_jean got yelled at by miss lefebvre today. it was the funniest shit i've heard this month. jean was talking about preservatives in french, which basically means condom in france, and i've never seen her so mad. why the fuck was he even talking about preservatives? that's so fucking random what_

_l.a._


	18. october fifth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_mikasa went halloween costume shopping today. she invited me to go with her, but i didn't want to ruin the surprise. i'm probably gonna be something hellish. i love the idea of hell?? i'm not a satanist i promise_

_like they describe it as an eternally fiery place down there where you get tortured for eternity?? but tbh can satan even afford that?? he got banished from the heavens so im sure god didn't give him a lot of money to go_

_the real tea??_

_eren won't tell me what he's gonna dress up as either. hopefully he won't be a taco or something. if he is, i won't talk to him the entire day. that's just downright embarrassing._

_my mom wants me to be a painter. being a painter for halloween's so boring?? you have to be something that pops off and out. like a fucking ghoul or something. you have to be something terrifying. if i wanted to be a painter, i would've been seven. i'm not seven. i can't play safe now._

_mikasa told me there was gonna be a halloween party that we'd all go to after trick or treating. i don't know where, but she said like a few days before she'd text me the address?? she said it wouldn't be her house so i was a little confused_

_my dad's sticking to his schedule and he's gonna be here friday, the day of our sleepover. the plan's working out beautifully?? hopefully this is enough for them to file for divorce_

_i'm jk, nothing's enough for them to file for divorce. they would rather die unhappy before they filed for divorce. i don't know why she doesn't?? they don't have a prenup, he makes more than her, and she'd get a good portion of the money. that sounds good to me?? she would be able to keep up whatever lifestyle this is for enough time for her to keep it up with her own money._

_l.a._


	19. october ninth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_today was the sleepover. and dad was not pleased!!_

_he came in, asked us what we were doing, and then went to rant to my mom. my mom was just happy and mad that he was home, but she defended me, so i really don't care?? i feel like just because you're insecure about my gayness doesn't mean you can restrict a junior from bringing a well-known friend over._

_me and eren had a really good time, anyway!! i loved it. i'm happy we hung out the friday of the week of our two-month anniversary._

_we had a boy talk, as planned, and it turned out that eren was extremely soft and was a touch freak. he needed interaction._

_we didn't end up playing truth or dare, because we couldn't come up with anything. i really didn't want to play, anyway. what was i gonna dare him to do? jump on the bed five times?_

_eren had brought over some movies, and i liked some of them. they were definitely... interesting._

_it was simple. i liked it anyway. eren was talking well into the night, trying to lull me to sleep since that day i wasn't really able to sleep, and he did. i fell asleep around twelve, and he was on some story about him in germany with some of his friends and how he met them when he had fell into a dumpster and they helped him out._

_that's so different?? like imagine finding your friends through you tripping and falling in the dirty dumpster??_

_that's disgusting. what a horrible first impression._

_i had like, three friends back at france, hange, erwin, and mike, and i had met them because they pushed me on the swings?? like i was on the swings and they all volunteered to push me. everyday. until we became friends_

_i have their numbers, but i haven't called them since i got to america. i should call them. probably facetime them or something. yeah, i'll facetime them._

_l.a._


	20. october twelfth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_ymir was happy as fuck today. krista gave her an answer, after, fucking, months?? krista must've been thinking long and hard about it damn_

_i'd probably die from anticipation by then. ymir's patient as fuck for that??_

_all she was talking about all day was how cute krista is and everything she liked about her. i wasn't even able to talk to eren, because she was too caught up in her storytime that i wasn't able to pay attention to someone else._

_being in love that hard is so fucking scary?? ymir looked like she was about to pass out_

_then, right after, annie and ymir fucking huddle up, and depart. im hoping this means that annie's gonna ask her out soon? she better. mikasa has at least 2 dudes in her phone, excluding julian, so she better hurry the fuck up._

_my dad was in love with my mom once. i remember them from when i was young. but that sure changed_

_if it's that easy to be like "yo, i dont love you anymore" what's the fucking point?? tbh_

_just wasting time for no reason, imo?? if you ain't completely sure that you're gonna be like "aw, ily bb <3" your entire life what's the point of fucking being like that in the first place?? why catch feelings if you just let them disappear like that??_

_idk, i'm a lil biased because of my mom and my dad, but?? nty_

_if we're just gonna be like "yo we like each other" and not talk again then im not going for it?? i want a relationship where we communicate on a daily basis and we're not fucking mean to each other?? there really be relationships where homeboy's like "ew u suck lmao" and the other person's like "aww!! they're so cute uwu"_

_nty?? if ur mean to me that's an instant cutoff ty_

_l.a._


	21. october sixteenth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_we got my halloween outfit today!! i also snuck in a pair of shoes while i was at it. gotta do what you gotta do._

_i'm gonna be an extremely scary vampire?? because they're really scary and i like scary._

_eren still hasn't told me what he was going as so that's a fucking bummer. also, not to mention that ymir is STILL talking about krista. it's so fucking old now!_

_eren got a crush today. so fucking disgusting?? he didn't say much about it. he was just like, "i like someone," and didn't tell me anything else._

_i also realized how stupid i sounded in my last entry? what i had meant to say was, "yo, you can date someone, BUT treat me like your fucking prized trophy AND be sure of your feelings."_

_i just sounded so ew?? you can totally date someone, no problem, but i'm just scarred from what happened to my mom and my dad?? totally forgot that there were people that aren't like him that exist in the dating world_

_i have only dated twice in my entire life, and they were both from middle school?? never kissed, that's just ew._

_have i talked about my first partners yet? i've only had two, and they both were from middle school. well, late-elementary school to middle school, but you get the idea._

_have i mentioned hange yet?? im pretty sure i have. well, i met hange at france, he pushed me on the swings in second grade. we were friends ever since. i had actually dated him in fifth grade to sixth grade?? ew, ikr?? he was my gay awakening._

_i had a horrible gay awakening. why didn't 5th-grade timothee chalomet go to my school?? that would be so good omg_

_then i dated a dude over robotics camp. i was only there for a month, and we didn't even hold hands?? we didn't do anything but talk like friends._

_imo, if i'm gonna date you, it shouldn't look like we're friends?? if i wanted to be your fucking friend i would've been your fucking friend_

_l.a._


	22. october nineteenth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_hi im fucking scared?? like fucking shivering in my seat as we speak_

_so im pretty sure i like eren?? so perfect whatever i really DONT FUCKING CARE_

_so you know that lil laughing thing you do whenever you're texting someone you admire??_

_SO I WAS LAUGHING WHILE I WAS TEXTING EREN_

_and my mom fucking runs into my room and takes my phone without saying anything?? and like im so afraid because i talked about a bunch of shit i didn't want them to know yet to eren? AND NOW SHES LOOKING THROUGH MY PHONE_

_i dont know what the fuck to do?? i should start packing rn smh_

_its been like ten minutes and she hasn't come back?? like im really scared wtf_

_also my dad has been back home, so he's probably gonna know too. this really isn't good for me right now??_

_fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck_

_i hate this so much_

_why can't i be timothee chalomet?? why does this suck so much ass??_

_it has been twenty fucking minutes?? STILL NO RESPONSE??_

_im still enough to walk down the stairs without trembling and breaking my neck and dying but?? what the fuck are they doing it's so quiet_

_im eating some cereal and my parents are just huddled in their room?? wtf am i supposed to do_

_this day has been horrible i hope they dont want to talk to me once they're finished investigating_

_l.a._


	23. october twenty-third

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_my mom put me on punishment since then. not allowed to bring friends home, talk to any of my friends after school, and i have to do all the chores around the house. they didn't say anything else to me?? like can they not accept the fact that i'm still fucking gay?_

_being on punishment doesn't really frighten me, tbh. i've gotten to the point with my mom that i just will do whatever the fuck i want? she's nice sometimes and sometimes she isn't. i'm just so over it at this point? i want to jump out of the kitchen window and never come back to this house, tbh. it sucks here._

_my dad's so fucking smug, i want to punch him. he should go on a business trip to hell next time. maybe then he wouldn't come back._

_i told eren about the punishment?? he was really surprised about it. it seems like he's not used to parents running in your room and taking your phone. and he was a lil sus about it since i stopped talking randomly._

_about the halloween party, i'm still fucking going? i've realized that i'm an actual fucking JUNIOR and they need to stop fucking acting like i'm 5. i should be allowed to go wherever i want to because i'm fucking SIXTEEN, tyvm._

_i really need to stop caring about what my mom thinks. no matter what, she's a piece of shit, even if she's been influenced to be one. it's not my job to put up with her shit because she's in an unhappy marriage. she needs to stand up for her own fucking self, divorce him, and live her fucking life to the fullest. i shouldn't suffer because she doesn't know what to fucking do._

_damn, my family sucks ass._

_l.a._


	24. october twenty-sixth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_t_ _oday i'm finally not gonna be ranting about my stupid ass family, though they're still stupid fucks._

_ANNIE ASKED MIKASA OUT WOO WOO WOO WOO_

_after months of fucking waiting, that stupid bitch asked her out!! im so happy_

_it was after school, annie had taken mikasa behind the school. me, being the nosy half-brother i was, followed her. i usually walk with eren until we have to separate paths to get to our own damn homes, but he wanted to see what was happening too, so we both went._

_i'm looking out, and annie, ROSE IN HAND, asking mikasa out. so sweet_

_no more of shielding her from julian's thirsty ass because now she's gonna trick or treat with annie :)_

_man annie's so smooth? like, imagine making trick or treating romantic_

_how does that even work??_

_"trick or treat"  
"gimme a kiss"_

_nvm, that sounds good. if annie did that, i'd applaud her for her bravery. being blunt's what it's all about? mikasa hates beating around the bush._

_and, for trick or treating, my mom isn't allowing me to go because i'm too old? and wants me to stay at home for halloween and clean the house while she gives out the candy._

_another rule i'm gonna break lol_

_honestly?? like imagine restricting your sixteen-year-old at home on halloween because he's gay?? like wtf is he gonna do? gay bomb the skittles?_

_man, that's some bad parenting if i've ever known it. that's just plain embarrassing? what is she gonna tell her coworkers?_

_"oh, yeah, i forced my sixteen-year-old kid to stay at home during halloween because he's on punishment, gay, and hates his dad. he didn't tell me he hated his dad, but he told his best friend of ten weeks because he's scared of us. i'm also sure kids are not supposed to be scared of their parents."_

_l.a._


	25. october thirty-first

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_OH MY GOD BRO_

_so i was at the party, right?? it was fucking awesome?? i felt guilty for most of it because i've never just straight up disobeyed my mom like that but?? it was worth it_

_eren had volunteered to trick or treat with me and also walk me to the party once i jumped out the window of my house while my mom was giving out candy. i don't know how she didn't hear me? i was loud af what_

_so basically he picks me up, and can i talk about eren's costume really quick?? LIKE WHOO_

_i was surprised as fuck?? i thought he was gonna be a butler or something but HE WAS A SCARECROW_

_i was gay panicking the whole time_

_can i mention that while we were trick or treating we found miss lefebvre's house?? and she was giving out BAGS of candy smh_

_she was wearing one of those classic ringmaster costumes and a top hat?? like work it sis periodt_

_she also gave us extra candy because she knew us so :))_

_ANYWAYS_

_we walk to the party, and there are not too many people there, and nobody's drunk?? this wasn't like the movies at all_

_it wasn't like crushing to the point you had to bump into people to get by, but it was a decent-sized party. there was root beer, lemonade, etc, in those little foaming bowls that you see all the time??_

_BUT OMG EVERYONE'S COSTUMES WERE BOMB_

_mikasa, as i expected, came as a witch for the TENTH year in a row. literally i can recount her on the phone as a witch when i was six. i hate change with a burning passion, but queen?? it's okay to change up your style sis_

_connie the clown came in as a clown, which is iconic. sticking to his title!! gotta keep up that reputation no matter what!! i respect that. but his girl, sasha, was a mindblower. i thought she was gonna come in as like a zombie chef or something, but no, she came in as a skeleton. that's the opposite of her?? but mk_

_annie had came as a black cat, which is kinda funny seeing mikasa's a witch, and black cats and witches always go together. why didn't connie and sasha match too?? like connie could be a clown and sasha could be a puppeteer. it'd make sense._

_how do puppeteers dress?? idk. i'm guessing colorful, because puppeteers are those crazy dudes from the city fairs._

_historia and ymir came as angel and devil because they are power duo?? end of story tyvm. if anyone should win the couple award its them?? suck my ass connie and sasha_

_jean had come as a wolf, though eren kept saying that the horse costume he picked out for jean was so much better. if jean did come as a horse that'd be so embarrassing? eren would be on his head the entire time lmao_

_i was expecting marco to come as a doctor, or nurse, or something, but he didn't?? he came as a half-zombie, half-mummy, separated by his actual scar in the middle._

_i wonder if his dick is split in half too. or was that spared? lmao, imagine they had to stitch his dick together too_

_that was also very creative?? i thought marco was just gonna put some concealer on that mf and go to the party. that's what i would do. if i OWNED concealer, but because my parents hate every wiggly aspect of mine, i don't own anywhere near._

_to be honest, i think i'd steal some from eren. i'm not sure if eren has concealer, but he'd probably buy it for me so that counts too._

_anyway, armin had come in as an evil scientist?? it was more of an evil doctor, but i think evil scientist fits more. i didn't know he'd take the devil aspect of halloween and put it in his costume?? i thought he'd just dress up as something normal like most people do._

_i met these two people named farlan and isabel. isabel called me her big bro for some reason, but i guess she does that to everyone. farlan reminds me of a dragon. or a dinosaur. i think its because of his hair._

_i've always thought of halloween of being scary, and exciting, and a way that you get to look dark and creepy as hell without anyone judging you since its halloween? you gather up on the couch and watch as many scary french movies as you can without screaming. if you have friends, then you tell the creepiest stories you can think of until you pass out. then you have nightmares for a month after that. that's how it's supposed to go!_

_i never expected halloween to be so... giddy. in france, it's literal tradition to be the SCARIEST as possible. there's no laughing. there's no having fun. you have to be trembling to the bone, shaking out of your princess shoes. i don't think i've ever seen someone wearing a princess costume on halloween in france. skeletons, vampires, ghouls, ghosts, now that's something you should be on halloween._

_there were no stories about the old man by the river or any spooky readings of la balafre or là-bas, but there was a girl in the corner talking about her chipped nails. that was scary._

_oh! oh! oh! i hadn't seen them much during the party, but reiner was a pirate, a hook on his hand, wooden prosthetic, etc. he had trouble walking with the wooden thingy, seeing as it wasn't his REAL leg, but he got through. bertolt was dressed like frankenstein, something i had expected to see when i left._

_i also learned today that his name was spelled bertholdt?? and the only reason we called him bertolt was because his name was too long?? yeah >:(_

_l.a._


	26. november second

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_needless to say, my mom was pissed af._

_i got an extra month added on to my punishment for sneaking out, but i really don't care? they can't hide my electronics well, so i know where they all are, not to mention i'm a fucking junior?? so sis its not happening lmao_

_its armins birthday tomorrow?? i have to buy a present for them and all i can think about is a bunch of fucking books??_

_ALSO, CAN I SAY SOMETHING REALLY QUICK_

_i'm very envious of ymir?? ik, very random person to be jealous of, but?? ymir literally has EVERYTHING i don't. a happy and supportive family? an american accent? a dad that's actually in her life? a reputation? like the bitch is so gifted and has all this stuff but she has the NERVE to frown._

_what are you frowning about, bitch? turn that fucking frown upside down. you have nothing to be sad about. why are you sad? you're perfect. you have everything that you've ever wanted. there's nothing you don't have. people like you. everyone likes you. why are you frowning?_

_you don't have a right to be sad. do you see me walking to school fucking sad when i have all the burdens in the world? no, i don't. because sadness gets you pity. and what is pity? pity's weak as fuck._

_if you get pity, you're weak as fuck. and though i'm a fucking mess, i'm not weak. so i don't frown. but what is this bitch doing? frowning. how dare she? why is she doing that? she has a perfect life, the perfect family, the perfect girlfriend, she's fucking perfect. there's nothing to be frowning about. if she's so damn sad, she should suck it up. unless her life's falling down in fucking pieces, she shouldn't break that damn smile._

_she has such a better time than i do. why is she frowning? i deserve to frown. i get to frown. she doesn't. if you want to frown, you need a frowned upon life._

_l.a._


	27. november sixth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_hi. i'm sorry about the other day. i got out of hand?? ymir can frown. anyone can frown. i was so caught up in the fact that my life wasn't sparkles and unicorns that i lashed out on someone else._

_did you know, when i was writing that, i wasn't really talking about ymir? i mean, of course i was talking about ymir, but my anger wasn't towards her. it was towards eren._

_i'm having a really hard time admitting this, because i feel bad as fuck about the entire thing? i'm glad this is a journal. imagine if i said all this shit out loud?_

_eren's so... perfect. so perfect it fucking hurts!! but his home life is perfect. his parents are comfortable with him, accept the fact he's bi, and even embraces it. like wtf?? i wish my parents did that for me._

_i'm just mad because i don't have okay parents as he does? realizing that most people have okay parents, and i'm the minority, i now know how bad my feelings were?? i was taking all of my pent-up anger out of ymir (actually eren), but really it's just me being mad because i don't have the perfect home life that i was promised i was gonna get in america?_

_i just want to see my grandma again. she was an excellent listener and therapist. whenever i told her about something, she never told my parents, and even gave me some advice. but now we're out of france, and i regret it. america's horrible. at least in france, my parents made some effort to hide how destroyed our relationships were. we hated each other. but now, it's out for the world to see._

_also, my mom announced the other day we're celebrating thanksgiving? i don't know shit about thanksgiving. all i knew about it was that americans ate turkeys on thanksgiving. we don't celebrate it in france._

_it's gonna be mikasa's mom's birthday in like two days. me and mikasa have the best fucking surprise party thought out, istg. shes gonna be so astonished??_

_i hope we don't eat turkeys. i don't eat turkey. is thanksgiving only for meat-eaters? this sucks ass._

_l.a._


	28. november ninth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_hey. i like eren._

_i'm going to ask him out._

_it's also sasha the chef's dad's birthday today, but this is more important!!_

_at first, i wasn't really sure about it, and it sounded more like a joke. but i really like eren. i liked everything about him. there weren't certain things i could point out that i liked about him if i were asked right now, but everything about him is so great? he's the best person ever. why am i the only one who talks to him? i would expect that he's the most generally liked person in this entire school._

_he's not perfect. far from it. he can't sing, can't dance, and doesn't have perfect grades. but hes so?? beautiful?? wholesome?? caring?? patient?? and just overall the best person in the world??_

_i've decided to give him a gift._

_i dont know what? but i will! he likes black forest cakes. i'll probably make him that then._

_gtg to the store._

_l.a._


	29. november thirteenth

_dear stupid dead piece of tree,_

_i asked eren out?? and like AAAAA_

_i can't believe i just wrote out a scream. what have i become_

_it was super rushed?? like i barely fucking know my feelings but i had to go and be like "hi eren. i like eren."_

_he didn't give me an answer?? he was just like "alr i'll get back to you on that"_

_hopefully, this doesn't turn out like ymir and krista?? because yikes_

_also um?? might've just destroyed my only friendship in five minutes haha!! literally my brain went "woah eren went from an idiot to cutie" and then i went "well fuck guess like i gotta tell him"_

_its too late to think about it now!! guess like i gotta start hanging out with ymir or something. or annie. did annie and mikasa get together yet? idk._

_but yeah!! really scared for monday because i don't know how he's gonna act towards me_

_l.a._


	30. november sixteenth

_dear dead piece of tree,_

_i've realized that doing this thing isn't that bad at all. i was being overemotional and overall just embarrassing. i didn't want to confide in anyone for no reason. it was just childish. this entire thing is childish._

_i've really grown to love myself lately. i don't really know why i've been loving myself, it's so fucking random. just love. love. love. love. love. nothing but respect and appreciation for myself. it was all so weird. i'm even still on punishment too. but now i think my brain has formed itself more to be like, "fuck the parents. love yourself. repair mental health." and its working._

_there are no complaints, of course, but like it's so weird. i've hated myself for years and now all of a sudden i'm more hesitant to insult myself? even right now, im a little iffy about calling me dumb, stupid, ignorant, and it's really not that bad. i love this change about me._

_eren still hasn't answered me, but i think it's fine if he doesn't like me. it happens to everyone, right? he should take his time. i'm the one who asked him out._

_it's armin's dad's birthday in two days, and he invited me over for the party. i'm kinda excited. very excited. i've already picked out my outfit._

_my mom said that there's a break coming up for thanksgiving. remember that american holiday i was talking about where they eat the turkeys? that one. i wasn't really fond on thanksgiving, but if we got a break out of it, i was completely fine. any hole is a goal._

_l.a._


	31. november twentieth

_dear dead piece of tree,_

_i've managed to keep the calm energy this entire week. i really don't know what happened to me. my friends noticed, especially mikasa. she was like, "hey, what happened to chaotic levi?? why is he so chill now??"_

_eren still hasn't answered my proposal, but i still think it's fine. if he didn't like me, he would let me know. if he did, he would let me know. he needed some time to mull over things, and i totally got that. it would be out of line for me to ask him right now what his answer was, and instead, i should wait for him to be ready to tell me his answer. why am i even writing this as if i was gonna do it and was secretly reassuring myself that i wouldn't?_

_it's probably all those fucking romance shows. they've gotten to me. they're always like, "okay, i'll wait for them to say they like me," and then 2.5 seconds later if they don't have a response they're like, "HUH?? DO YOU FUCKING LIKE ME OR NOT??"_

_i'm such a gentleman._

_we're like, a week away from break, and i couldn't be happier. not for the turkey-eating, but to be away from school. i don't know how many times mr. bell has attempted to get on my nerves, but it was certainly nerve-wracking. i don't think i'm ever putting myself through this ever again._

_how does eren do it? mr. bell is so annoying. miss lefebvre is so much better and underrated. just an overall queen._

_it's so satisfying to be so mature now. like i can honestly deescalate situations so fast and nobody will get mad at me because i'm being the bigger person? not to brag, but there wasn't much to change. it's not like i was and i making dad jokes and calling people smol beans. wait, oops, that's shade._

_sorry connie, but ur jokes suck just about as much ass as you do._

_l.a._


	32. november twenty-third

_dear dead piece of tree,_

_only three more days until break. my mom told me that for thanksgiving, i could go wherever i wanted because that entire day she and my dad were going to be embracing american tradition and eat meat all day._

_i couldn't have asked for more. spending the rest of the month with those fools seemed horrible. i was probably gonna eat at a vegetarian cafe and finish homework that entire break. now that i write it down, it doesn't sound so bad. maybe i'll do that._

_i complained about this to eren. i felt bad complaining, but i felt any developing teenager had the right to complain, so i did. he said that i was always welcome to stay at his house, but i wasn't so sure about that. what if his parents didn't cook vegetarian foods? what if they didn't want to cook for me? and it was the celebration of his aunt's birthday that day!! it was just too many uncertainties._

_i also think that i've found the reason why i'm so happy all of a sudden. i think i've finally realized how horrible i was being. how horrible i was thinking. i am a junior in high school, why did i think like this? i was being so mean to ymir, to eren, to literally anyone who was bigger and better than me in some way. and it was a horrible way to think, overall. i'm striving to do better. i don't ever want to end up like that ever again._

_my grandma would be so proud of me._

_l.a._


	33. november twenty-sixth

_dear dead piece of tree,_

  
_it's thanksgiving today. i did end up spending today in a vegetarian cafe. i improved a lot with my german, though, so i think of it as a win/win situation. and all my homework over the break got finished. miss lefebvre's gonna be so proud._

_mom and dad seemed to be pretty miserable without me, tbh. but to be true they were miserable with me, too, so it really wasn't much of a difference._

_eren sent me some pictures of them eating food since i said i wasn't coming over. seemed really happy. i don't know what's so joyous about fattening, uncooked, meat. doesn't sound that appetizing to me to know that i am causing our society's fall and literally contributing to the main contributor of climate change, but pop off sis._

_thanksgiving was lowkey kinda fulfilling. i felt so fucking relaxed in that cafe. i would 10/10 do again._

_l.a._


	34. november thirtieth

_dear dead piece of tree,_

  
_we went back to school today. it was such a short-lived break. why couldn't it be bigger?_

_it's connie the clown's mom's birthday tomorrow. i'm tempted to come to the party dressed as fried chicken and say, "i'm connie's favorite food" just to get on someone's nerves just as much as connie has._

_eren still hasn't answered me. i think its fine, though. i get to find out more about him, and he gets to think. it was really prompt when i asked him out, i must say. totally unexpected. it was like i finally started to question my feelings when i asked him out, and now, in the interval of him finding out his feelings, i get to understand why i like him, you know? like, at first, it was just like, "oh. isn't eren cute? eren's cute. wanna date, eren?"_

_but now i realize why i really like him. he's so unique. i find him very beautiful overall, and i can't really distinguish what about him that i like the most. i want to hug him whenever i'm near him. like a good two minute embrace. that's it._

_his personality is astounding. he's so... punctual, in a sense. he feels very strongly about any issues and will speak forward, even if it costs him a few friendships. he's so... amazing. a role model. if i were a tad bit more suicidal, i'd die for him._

_i'm so glad i became best friends with him, and even though my proposal sucked, i think it was best for me to get my feelings out the way before i started second-guessing and wanting to salvage our friendship._

_l.a._


	35. december fourth

_dear dead piece of tree,_

_it's finally december. my birthday's this month, and i'm fairly pumped for it. i think my parents forgot about it, as they haven't even mentioned it yet, but i guess that's fine. more secrecy for me!_

_i told eren my birthday was on christmas. he said it suited me. i don't know what that means, but i took it as a compliment, and i've been thinking about it ever since. was there something special that only people born on christmas do? was it good?_

_i should stop worrying about it. anyway, my mom told me that we would be visiting france again for christmas break, using dad's money. if there was anything my dad was good for, it was his money. i know i sound like a fucking mooch saying that, but it's true._

_i've been in contact with hange, erwin, and mike for a while, though i think i've already mentioned that somewhere, and i honestly cannot wait to meet them?? like i know i haven't even been gone for a year but you can forget your childhood friends so quickly if you aren't careful_

_im also really pumped to see my grandma?? i haven't had such glorious rice since we left. i desperately need a taste of home._

_l.a._


	36. december seventh

_dear dead piece of tree,_

_i can't wait for christmas break. it isn't gonna be for another two weeks, but that's all fine. the weeks seem to past by so fucking fast here._

_he still hasn't answered. i'm trying my best not to get anxious about it. the time it takes him to answer does not mean anything about his potential answer, and i should give him the same energy i gave him in the beginning. there is nothing wrong with anything._

_also, very unrelated, but me and ymir grew a lot closer recently. it makes me happy. i came into this friend group to meet more than one person. as great and lovely as eren is, ymir is my friend. i talked to her about everything. she's a very great therapist, 10/10 would recommend._

_she usually comes across as very stiff and devoted to nothing except historia, but, believe it or not, ymir has a really big personality. i understood why krista liked her. hell, if i was interested in girls, i'd probably have a crush on ymir too. she's very bold with her words. she's fearless. she says what she means and she means what she says. i don't know why more people don't like her. it's seems like this entire group is filled with underrated students... except for jean. and connie. they're both clowns and can suffocate in a ball pit any day_ _._

_i want to be angsty again. like all the anger i used to wind up and stir just drains now. why can't i be mad anymore? now i'm just like, "wow, that isn't very cash money."_

_i'm just a junior. why did i have to mature so fast? i'm supposed to be in my "leave me alone mom! you'll never understand!" phase until i'm in college._

_l.a._


	37. december eleventh

_dear piece of tree,_

_eren has given me an answer! well, sort of, but still, it's a great achievement. he said he would give his answer next week. i don't remember the date i had actually asked him out, but i feel like it was worth it. i don't know why i was so eager to jump into a relationship with eren when i didn't even know what, why, or how i liked eren. if he had said yes, it probably wouldn't have worked out._

_i feel like i have matured since then and i have more of a complete mind. the process was completely necessary._

_i told eren about it, and he described me as a water bottle with a large hole in it. before, i was a regular water bottle, and the littlest things would fill me up, and cause me to overflow. sometimes, i had to retreat to my room so i wouldn't break anything valuable. now? no matter how irritating and infuriating my parents can be, it all just flushes out. it's like i don't care anymore._

_i mean, dad has messed with me since then, and they fear that i am antisocial, but i think i've crossed a point with them that i really don't care about them anymore. if you wanted to socially and emotionally abandon me for the only influential years of my life, i think doing anything now wouldn't do anything._

_looking back on it, it's kind of unbelievable that i wrote all of those mere months ago. friends really do change you, huh?_

_well, i don't really think it was them who changed me. they're very chaotic. if anything, they just riled up the teenager angst inside of me._

_if there is 'anyone' to blame it on, it would be eren. however, i feel as if character development is best when the character changes by themselves, not with their complimentary angel best friend who they just so happen to love dearly._

_it was much required for me to change. in january, i would be in the last semester until i went to senior year. i would be going to college the year after that. i couldnt be stuck in my circle of "my parents hate me everyone hates me the world hates me" for long, or i'd never grow._

_eren helped me discover that, but it was me. i told myself to grow, eren didn't. and that's something i pride myself off of._

_l.a._


	38. december fourteenth

_dear piece of tree,_

_i can't wait for winter break. it confuses me why winter break starts on christmas eve, and not a week before. why keep children in class the week of christmas?_

_it's also the week of eren's answer. i'm trying my best not to stress about it so i don't start my unhealthy habit of assumption, but there's only so much that you can withhold from yourself. i mean, eren deserves more than me, but if he was willing to settle down with me, it'd mean so much._

_i want to respect his decision. he has a right to say no, just as much as he has a right to say yes, and he has a right to take as much time to think about his answer. i was the one that caught him off-guard. like, if my best friend told me that they liked me and wanted to date, i'd need time too._

_did i mention that my parents forgot about my birthday? yeah, i did, but i'm gonna say it again._

_i'd hate to feel disappointed about it, since i've basically disowned them, but i feel disappointed. i mean, it was the day that my mom popped me out. the least she could do was remember it. she went through all that pain for nothing._

_mikasa remembered, though. she said that she had something planned for me the day before we left for france. i feel very touched. mikasa was younger than me, and we were half-siblings. it wasn't even required for her to remember it, but she did, and that meant that everyone else in the group knew too. i got a ton of questions and comments about how cool it is that my birthday is on christmas. i didn't know i was that special. i've never really thought of it like "another cool fact about me"._

_l.a._


	39. december eighteenth

_dear piece of tree,_

_he said yes. i'm trying my best not to scribble on this paper. i feel like scribbling. my hands are trembling right now. if only i was typing this out. then i could keysmash._

_i'm very excited! i'm so fucking excited. i just don't want to explode._

_maybe i should describe how he did it._

_i was walking back home, right? before i left for the road he was like, "levi, can i talk to you for a moment?"_

_and i knew something was up. my heart was going boom boom boom. my mind was like "asheite asheite ashiete"_

_then i was like "lol ok" and he pulled me over to like the gates? and like a billion students are looking at us because everyones going home but we're just on the gates_

_then hes like "hi i want to be thing"_ _and im like "what the fuck is a thing" and then hes like "like coupl"_

_and then im like "AAAAAAA" and then i ran home_

_i think the part i went wrong was when i ran home? should i have ran home? i think talking to him about it would be sensible. oh well, it's too late._

_maybe i'll talk to him about it tomorrow. it was too many feelings for me to feel at once. he'll get over it. i was the one to ask him out, after all._

_l.a._


	40. december twenty-first

_dear piece of tree,_

_okay so we talked about it_

_my chest was like "yip yip! hooray! super why has saved the day!" the entire time_

_so we're just gonna take it slow?? and im not gonna tell my mom and dad until i get like out of state because i know good and well they'd take themselves to the hospital if they knew i was happily dating a boy or smth_

_i am so fucking happy like wtf?? who allowed me to get serotonin?? wrong person god try someone else_

_our first date is coming up!! i lowkey can't wait for it though i gotta keep my cool or they'll think i snuck in weed again._

_my parents still haven't remembered my birthday, or said anything about it, but i think it's better this way. i'm able to do all these things without them even thinking about it. who would want to spend more time with them than neccessary anyway?_

_most definitely not me. but i'm not gonna go too far into it, because today's my happy day and i fucking deserve it._

_l.a._


	41. december twenty-fifth

_dear piece of tree,_

_it's my birthday today! like i thought, my parents did not remember, and instead celebrated christmas, but its fine. we're leaving tomorrow for france. that's all i asked for. i can't wait to eat grandma's rice._

_im 17 now. damn. one year closer to college. one year closer to escape. why does that fill me with so much hope?? wow, i really hate my parents. it's astounding. smh_

_the party mikasa threw was GREAT. literally?? how did she think of all of that_

_there was like balloons everywhere and i got like a ton of presents and i dont think i've ever been that happy in my life. i felt so wanted?? like what's going on??_

_i didn't really want anything for christmas. but eren got me noise-canceling headphones for some reason, and five hours into christmas with the family, and i'm already using the headphones. blasting random love songs until five in the morning while your parents inaudibly fight in the background is a vibe._

_we had discussed our relationship and all the sappy shit. we're boyfwends._

_wow, that hurt to write. can't i write my status without feeling like im ten?_

_damn. okay, but anyway, i'm lowkey gonna miss those bitches for a week. <3_

_they really ingrained into my mind that i would literally be a pile of mess without them and i don't like it. but!! i would also be a pile of mess without my france buddies so i'm ready to see them_

_l.a._


	42. december twenty-eighth

_dear piece of tree,_

_france is INCREDIBLE. these months i've spent in america really changed my outlook and vision of france, but it is beautiful, as ever._

_i met up with my grandma. her rice is, as usual, legendary. she also made me pancakes and?? i think i might be lactose intolerant because i got like the worst nausea afterward. her pancakes are good though?? they're overloaded with butter and that's not really a bad thing imo_

_i don't want to be lactose intolerant!! :( like imagine all the pancakes and chocolate milk i have to miss out on because of my stupid slow lactase_

_wait is that how it works?? i looked it up like once and i remember it saying something about lactase and how the lactase is like "i'm sick and tired of being disrespected like this" and like barricades itself and rejects any lactose intake. doesn't sound correct but oh well_

_also i had like two mental breakdowns from the car ride to the airport to the drive to grandma's house. but like?? imagine being stuck in the same facility as two utter assholes?? like wow i would have more than two if i wasn't used to it_

_eren called me during the plane ride, and like?? i was sitting right next to my parents so i had to go in that tiny-ass plane restroom just so i could have a conversation?? and wow what a queen_

_he called me and he was like "hi <33 have a nice time at france!! make sure to talk to your grandma like tons so you don't miss her as much when you have to come back"_

_how did i get so lucky?? like i thought i was gonna end up with like a drug dealer or smth?? wait what if eren is a drug dealer_

_let me not think about it. i don't want to even imagine eren just walking around the block with little ziploc bags of powder and shaking it in peoples windows to make them want to buy it_

_l.a._


	43. january first

_dear piece of tree,_

_I SAW MY FRANCE FRIENDS_

_okay so hange, erwin, and mike. the three musketeers. tweedle dee, tweedle dum, and tweedle fuck. i met up with them?? and wow omg_

_they didn't change much?? its only been a couple of months but still_

_it's so nice to see them?? like it really reminds me "hey, you didn't grow up with mikasa and her crew. you had friends." and it lowkey brings tears to my eyes?? like am i just that much of a queen to the point i can easily make friends that early_

_now that i talk to my grandma, i realize how desperate i was to meet her. she's my only relative ally?? and literally, if anything happened to her i don't think i would have the will to live on_

_it's the new year. it's just as bad as last year, but i think i can handle it better now. hoping that i can drag this sensitive bitch through this year without running away from home again. probably not, but a boy can dream_

_seriously, for this new year, i do want to get better. sometimes i just feel like im numb. like i cry myself a river one day and just walk around everywhere with this dimass smile on my face everywhere else. maybe its just my mental health. i really dont know anymore._

_we're going skiing soon. gotta go get ready. hopefully i dont fall on my ass this time_

_l.a._


	44. february twenty-second

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ❝𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙞 𝙧𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙢𝙗𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙜𝙤𝙩 𝙖 𝙩𝙚𝙢𝙥𝙚𝙧 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙞 𝙜𝙤𝙩 𝙣𝙤 𝙛𝙞𝙡𝙩𝙚𝙧.❞
> 
> ohayo! this is the last chapter of stupid dead piece of tree, my only completed masterpiece. please do enjoy the last chapters and understand these following points ;
> 
> this is something to spread awareness of emotional abuse. emotional abuse comes in all sizes and forms, and levi's a victim. learn to understand and recognize signs of emotional abuse.
> 
> here are hotlines for child and lgbtqia abuse ;
> 
> helpline ; 1-800-398-GAYS  
> gay and lesbian national hotline ; 1-888-843-4564  
> family violence prevention center ; 1-800-313-1310  
> child abuse hotline / dept. of social services ; 1-800-342-3720
> 
> i did not include that much ereriren to focus on levi and levi's healing, as one should. i apologize profusely if this does not sooth your thirsts.
> 
> ❝𝙨𝙤 𝙞𝙩'𝙨 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙖 𝙨𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙧𝙢, 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙬𝙚 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙨.❞

_dear diary,_

_uh, hi. this is my last entry._

_i just haven't been feeling this book lately. every time i walk with it in my hands it just reminds me of all that internalized anger that i want to get rid of so desperately. i don't want this book to hold on to me. i want to be free, you know?_

_the parents haven't gotten any better. i guess like i've just found a way to cope with it. all this book reminds me of is my little heat sessions where i completely diss everybody and anybody because of my own personal problems._

_it was horrible. i was in a horrible state of mind there. and i dont want this stupid book to haunt me forever._

_me and eren are still dating. his birthday's coming up. i hope he wants like a date on his birthday. what's that called? a birthdate? i don't think that's what it's called, but i'm just gonna call it a birthdate._

_this really isnt an emotional breaking. my mom bought me this so i could have something trustworthy by my side at all times. well, it's been six months and thirteen days since then, and i think i have a right to say that i don't need this to be by my side at all times. i have so many trustworthy people by my side now, that this just seems like an add-on._

_so, stupid dead piece of tree, i hope the garbage has a brighter future for you. i'm looking forward to moving on, and this is my first step. i hope that you are too._

_bye, stupid dead piece of tree._

_l.a._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is also cross-posted on wattpad!
> 
> https://my.w.tt/LOhmOBtlB8
> 
> as a veteran wattpad writer, i am on there more often! please follow me, if you wish.
> 
> https://www.wattpad.com/user/lovestained


End file.
